setting the ‘tone’ for a session, interaction or activity-engagement
Oftentimes, when we want a certain outcome for an activity or session, we hyper-focus on our intended goal, forgetting the steps that need to be taken.
It is important to consider where the child is coming from before setting the tone or expectations for an interaction and/or participation in an activity. Is the child hyper-focused on something else (e.g., choice time, a preferred toy or activity), and do we need to address that before introducing a shared goal? Is the child very active in the moment, needing some calming and regulation before participating? Is the child upset about a previous event or an ongoing situation in their life, warranting the use of self-regulatory strategies before focusing on a ‘functional’ goal?
But before we get to any of that, we need to ask ourselves how we are showing up for this. How are we feeling in that moment? Are we having a good day and enjoying life, or are we upset about X, Y, or Z? While we may not always consider the impact of how we are showing up on the outcome of the session, it is everything.
It is everything, everything, everything.
The way we show up is the only thing we truly have control over. So, when we start focusing on that, we gain more influence over the outcomes of our intended events.
Before the start of each session—or really, each day—I meditate and set the tone by choosing what I want to focus on. Then, as each session unfolds, I’m more grounded in my ability to navigate and manage whatever comes my way.
When I take care of how I want to feel first, it becomes easier for me to set the tone for the session rather than reacting to the child’s current state. And the most amazing thing is this: when you are regulated, the child often begins to respond to your state of regulation, rather than continuing in a cycle of dysregulation.
What do we mean by a child’s “state of dysregulation”? This refers to their energy level at a given moment (or a pattern of energy over time)—are they upset, angry, frustrated, or operating at a high energy level that makes it difficult to focus or attend to the activity or interaction? We may refer to that as dysregulated. The only way to support dysregulation is through fostering regulation. One of the best ways to help a dysregulated child is to be a regulated-adult.
Something that’s helpful for me is entering each session with a clear expectation of a few key elements that must occur (e.g., if there’s a handwriting goal, we must address that; sometimes we incorporate a preferred activity, etc.). Outside of that, I remain flexible. This builds a sense of shared trust with the child—we each contribute valuable ideas about how the session should unfold. Then, we learn to compromise and collaborate as we work toward a common goal.
Children are much easier to work with when you provide them with autonomy and allow them to contribute meaningfully to the session or activity. As adults, we sometimes think we must control most of the situation because we are “in charge.” But in truth, children have so much to offer—and when we give them space to do so, it increases their confidence, self-efficacy, and their understanding of how collaboration works in real-life experiences.